Heaven...I'm in heaven...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr9_5uZn6ds

A Guide To Understanding Communication Between Brandon And Lisa

It has come to my attention that some people think my relationship with my BFF is somewhat dysfunctional. They cite our constant e-bickering as evidence of their theory. In this post I will recount a conversation with Lisa and translate it for those who don't understand our mode of discourse.

The Subject: Legally Blonde (the musical)
Background: Brandon and Lisa saw the movie version of Legally Blonde together when it was first released (I know it's hard to believe, but Lisa really is THAT old) and were surprised at how much it entertained them. A couple years ago, the movie was adapted into a big splashy Broadway musical. Brandon thoroughly enjoys it...something of a guilty pleasure. Lisa doesn't share his opinion of the musical.

Brandon: I just finished a Legally Blonde double feature! First the musical, then the sequal. Does it get any better than this?
Lisa: Yes. Oral surgery without anesthesia. I can't believe you liked the musical. You're such a douche.
Brandon: Well you're a soulless bitch with no taste. You wouldn't know good art if it was heroin and your drug mule buddies post-keistered it on your face.
Lisa: I have no idea what you just said. Is it possible that crap musicals have rotted your brain?
Brandon: Well, I never!
Lisa: So I've heard. Might I recommend a good urologist?
Brandon: You vindictive little bitch!
Lisa: Watching Legally Blonde the so-called musical is about as much fun as eating glass.
Brandon: You're just jealous. Laura Bell Bundy could kick Reese Witherspoon's ass.
Lisa: Oh no you di'int! Listen here wuckfit, you take it back or I'll poison your autographed Sweeney Todd playbill.
Brandon: Oh yeah?
Lisa: Yeah!
Brandon: Bring it!
Lisa: Consider it brought!
(Slapping match ensues, leaving both participants angry, but unscathed.)
Lisa: You hit like a girl.
Brandon: I didn't want to get too close. I was afraid "stupid" was contageous.
Lisa: And you didn't want to infect me. How thoughtful.
Brandon: I hate you so much right now.
Lisa: Assface.
Brandon: Whore.
(They storm off in different directions.)

Translation:

Brandon: I just finished a Legally Blonde double feature! First the musical, then the sequal. Does it get any better than this?
Lisa: I didn't much care for the musical. It was irritating to me, but I can understand how a musical theatre enthusiast could enjoy it.
Brandon: You just said "theatre." With an "r-e." I'm so proud of you. I knew you were the classiest person on the planet.
Lisa: I get it from my association with you. Would you mind writing a song about how cool we are?
Brandon: Well, I never...
Lisa: I know, but it would be a fitting tribute. Might I recommend a good urologist?
Brandon: You certainly bring out the best in me.
Lisa: It's funny how we can enjoy different things and still be friends.
Brandon: That's so true. I wonder whether Laura Bell Bundy or Reese Witherspoon's would win in a cage match.
Lisa: Now that would be entertaining! Oh, hey...you know how much you like Sweeney Todd? I found Angela Landsbury's sweat rag from the national tour on e-bay. Happy Ides of March Eve Eve Eve.
Brandon: Oh yeah?
Lisa: Yeah!
Brandon: You're the best friend ever!
Lisa: I like cheese!
(Lisa whips out sweat rag and snaps it playfully at Brandon, who is easily knocked over. He tumbles over, taking Lisa with him. They emerge from this awkwardly hetero-erotic scene laughing and completely oblivious.)
Lisa: You hit like a girl.
Brandon: I learned to fight from West Side Story.
Lisa: Obviously it's paid off. I feel safe when I'm with you.
Brandon: Really? *ahem* I mean...I'm just so glad you're my friend.
Lisa: Assface.
Brandon: Whore.
(They hug and wander off to find some handicapped people to make fun of.)

I hope this clears things up for everyone.

Glee...need I say more?

Suck it, Daylight Savings

I woke up an hour early today. Not by choice, by governmental mandate. I understand Daylight Savings is all about conserving energy, but I feel like I'm expending MUCH more energy dragging my tired self around today than I would have if I'd got that extra hour of sleep.

And for all you giddy optimists that are so quick to remind us that we get an extra hour of beautiful daylight after work:

Subject	URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE
Type	Winter Storm Alerts
Expires	3/10/2009 4:00:00 AM
Updated	3/9/2009 4:22:21 AM
First Received	3/9/2009 4:22:21 AM
Severity	Advisory
Counties	Wasatch Mountain Valleys (Utah), Wasatch Mountains I,80 North (Utah)
URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE SALT LAKE CITY UT 416 AM MDT MON MAR 9 2009 ...ANOTHER ROUND OF SNOW EXPECTED ACROSS NORTHERN AND CENTRAL UTAH...A COLD PACIFIC STORM SYSTEM WILL IMPACT MUCH OF NORTHERN AND CENTRAL UTAH THROUGH TONIGHT BEFORE ENDING TOMORROW. THE ASSOCIATED COLD FRONT IS FORECAST TO INTENSIFY TODAY OVER NORTHERN UTAH THEN PUSH SOUTH ACROSS THE STATE THIS AFTERNOON THROUGH TONIGHT. HEAVY SNOW WILL ACCOMPANY THIS FRONT AS IT PASSES THROUGH THE AREA. ...WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 4 PM MDT TUESDAY... A WINTER STORM WARNING FOR HEAVY SNOW REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 4 PM MDT TUESDAY. THIS WARNING IS FOR THE WASATCH MOUNTAINS FROM I-80 NORTH AND THE WASATCH MOUNTAIN VALLEYS. TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 18 TO 30 INCHES ARE EXPECTED THROUGH TUESDAY ACROSS THE HIGHER TERRAIN...WITH 6 TO 12 INCHES EXPECTED ACROSS THE BEAR RIVER VALLEY AND THE WASATCH MOUNTAIN VALLEYS. LOCALLY HIGHER AMOUNTS ARE POSSIBLE. SNOW WILL BECOME WIDESPREAD AND LOCALLY HEAVY EARLY THIS MORNING. SNOW WILL CONTINUE...HEAVY AT TIMES THROUGH THE DAY. SNOW WILL TURN MORE SHOWERY MONDAY NIGHT BUT LOCALLY HEAVY NOW SHOWERS WILL PERSIST THROUGH MIDDAY TUESDAY BEFORE IT TAPERS OFF. PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS... (IN OTHER WORDS, BEND OVER AND KISS YOUR BUTT GOODBYE BEFORE IT FREEZES OFF TONIGHT.)

So, for everyone who convinced themselves to get up early using the "extra hour of daylight" rationale: THERE WILL BE NO DAYLIGHT THIS EVENING!!! Mother Nature and Uncle Sam converged in a perfect mix of bureaucracy, vindictiveness, and irony to thwart your optimism.

Not to worry, I plan to be in bed by 7.

Dinner is served...

My brother sent me this picture of his son after dinner:



I asked him what he's putting in his kids' food. His reply: Flintstones Chewable Valium.

No wonder his kids are so insanely happy.

Someone actually reads my blog...

...from a field. My tracker tells me where people are reading from. Here's a map:

See that tiny flag just right of center? That's someone sitting in the middle of a field, sipping a cup of something warm, and enjoying my blog.

To the field reader: Keep up the good work. You're the best.

To everybody who is biting their tongue, not wanting to spoil my elation by telling me that the trackers don't return an exact location: Bite me. The mental image I've conjured is MUCH better than reality.

PS...The Story of My Life is getting a recording!

According to broadwayworld.com, the ill-fated Broadway production of The Story of My Life will be recorded by PS Classics on March 13. The recording is scheduled for release on June 2.

*insert HUGE sigh of relief here*

The show is not without its flaws, but it was a crying shame it closed so fast. I'm excited (and relieved) it will be recorded...and I'll definitely be the first (and possibly only) person in line to buy the CD on June 2.

Utah Wins!!!

A recent study reported by ABC News reveals that Utah consumes more online pornography per capita than any other state.

We win the porn race! Suck it, Montana!

Some of my favorite excerpts:

• Church-goers bought less online porn on Sundays. (Still, I have to wonder if there was a post-church bump...no pun intended.)
  
• Residents of 27 states that passed laws banning gay marriages boasted 11% more porn subscribers than states that don't explicitly restrict gay marriage.
• States where a majority of residents agreed with the statement "I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage," bought 3.6 more subscriptions per thousand people than states where a majority disagreed.
  
• A similar difference emerged for the statement "AIDS might be God's punishment for immoral sexual behaviour."
• One comment by a reader of the New York Daily News: "Its not that they look at anymore porn than anyone else, it is that they are too stupid to get it for free!!"

Finally:

• "One natural hypothesis is something like repression: if you're told you can't have this, then you want it more," Edelman says.

I say we should ban church. And exercise. And Mondays.

(here's a link to a PDF of the actual study)

In honor of the snowstorm we're supposed to get tonight...

Comments, anyone?

It has come to my attention that my blog doesn't allow comments. I tried to fix it. Here's a lovely picture of my blog settings:



















Yeah, I'm at a loss. Maybe Blogger just hates me. Any suggestions? Go ahead and leave 'em in the comments.

UPDATE: Fixed the problem. I'm so brilliant. Now you can comment to your heart's delight! (Say something offensive.)