Memorable Quotes...

Lisa forwarded me a list of heartwarming things I've apparently said over the years. It's no "nom, nom, nom" but enjoy nonetheless...

• You're my anti-depressant. Therefore, you've got a legal obligation to keep me happy.
• Just doing a mental striptease for my adoring imaginary fans.
• Next time on The Brandon Show...Brandon gets a new box of pens!
• Sexyback, nothin! Brokeback is where it's at. Take that Justin Timberlake!
• (nutmeg gives you herpes)
• I'd have stayed in the clink
• So here's the question: do I room with the boring gay guy or the fun straight guy? I already dismissed the tranny.
• Boo, you torte tart
• you were always such a smart little whore
• What the hell is a bizzle?
• Kiss my monkey ass. I meant kiss my ass, monkey...but either way...
  
• Sometimes when I'm being fondled I ask that they wait a minute so I can go change into my bathing suit to see if it's inappropriate. But then I realize that I swim naked...so it's impossible to tell.
• Suck on that, peasants!
• It's definitely a fake. No self respecting bus stop would allow itself to be used as butt-floss.
• It just occurred to me, if the elves don't want to get hit by the poisoned darts, they should get out of the friggin' way!
• I type all my passwords with my elbows. That way even I don't know what they are.
• Tell her you'll kick her in the katits if she doesn't button it.
• Meh...maybe I'll get into emotional S&M.
• Bazactly. Or is it peezactly?
  
• "Mawwaige...such a piece of cwap..."
• (whooza cute puppy...whooza cute puppy...)
• I can offer you a bisexual asian who likes to cuddle at 2 am and gets blowjobs from his coworkers...
• gay people don't make babies. Eww.
• Oh, I like to drink. Just not alcohol. It makes me feel pukey and head hurty. If I could get the buzz and the lousy judgment without the side effects, I'd totally be there!
• Yeah, his junk is not placed properly.
• Make sure your ASSbestos is covered.
• As a cat-loving closet lesbian (coincidentally of French-Canadian origin), I must take offense at some of your unwarranted snarkiness, but I do agree that Céline Dion is one big dreadfully annoying bizatch.
• Another thought: Perhaps flies are the ultimate practical jokers. Besides babies and mice of course. If the purpose of a practical joke is to make someone look foolish for everyone else's amusement, then I submit that flies, babies, and mice are the holy trinity of practical jokers and the rest of us can only look on in awe.
• Thanks for saving me from years of health and happiness. Now I'll forever be alone, sick, and miserable like all the cool people.
• Having thoroughly examined your spider bite via the magic of the interweb, we at the National Center for Spider Bite Identification, Treatment, and Occasional Pronouncement of Fatalities are convinced that you won't survive. Warmest regards, Reinhold Snotweiler
• You know, if the Electric Blankets of the world didn't discriminate against bedwetters, I'd totally use one.
• I'd vote for Barack Hussein Osama bin Biden before John Mussolini Dahmer Hitler McInane.

(bows deeply)