Monday, August 25, 2008

Did you know...

...that lets you make your own demotivators? For any of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you're missing the wonderful world of (shakes head with a sigh) For everyone else, suck on this:

Sunday, August 24, 2008

More Dirty Politics...

Who really cares how many houses John McCain owns? I don't. I think what's important is what John McCain DOES in those houses. Eat babies? Well, we've already established that.

For a couple days the big headline was "how many houses does John McCain own?" John McCain's answer: "Me not know." Okay, I paraphrased there. The Obama camp would have you believe that this is an indication that McCain is "out of touch" with the average American. Maybe it is. Maybe he is. But does Obama really need to stoop to McCain's petty brand of politicking? Maybe he does. I really hate that in this country the person who wins is the person who successfully smears his opponent the worst. We're a country of bullies pushing each other into mud puddles.

But back to the subject of John McCain's memory. I'm not concerned that John McCain can't remember how many houses he has. I'm more worried that he might not be able to remember where they are. One night, you're just drifting off to sleep when you hear a knock at the front door. It's John McCain.

You: Senator McCain, what are you doing out so late...and in your pajamas?
John McCain (a la Cookie Monster): Me not know.
You: Senator McCain, are you lost again? Do you need me to help you find your house?
John McCain (with a blank look): Me like cookies.

Cut him a little slack, America. John McCain isn't out of touch with the American voting public. He's just senile. Still, despite eight years of evidence to the contrary, the White House is not an assisted living facility.

Okay, I'm kidding. John McCain's old. Ha ha ha...there now, that's out of our system. (mirthfully wipes a tear) This blog entry was supposed to be another rant about dirty politics and how the Obama camp seems to be easing into the pool. But then Obama announced his running mate and McCain's Out-Of-Touchiness slipped out of the picture. Barack Obama, in what can only be called an attempt to broaden his appeal among young voters, announced that his articulate, bright, clean, and nice looking running mate would be Senator Joe Biden (age 65.) I for one, think it's a great idea. Obama, not being a senior citizen himself, needs a test dummy for his medicare/social security policies. A lab rat, if you will. Okay, I'm not really sure where this is going. I was envisioning Obama's lab rat cabinet, with their cute little hamster wheels and rat mazes...

So Obama announced Biden as would be his running mate and a shrewd John McCain delt a decisive blow to the Obama campaign. From

In 2005, Biden Even Said He'd Be Honored To Run On The Same Ticket As John McCain. Comedy Central's Jon Stewart: "You may end up going against a Senate colleague, perhaps McCain, perhaps Frist?" Biden: "John McCain is a personal friend, a great friend, and I would be honored to run with or against John McCain, because I think the country would be better off -- be well off no matter who..." Stewart: "Did I hear, Did I hear with?" Biden: "You know, John McCain and I think..." Stewart: "Don't become cottage cheese my friend. Say it." Biden: "The answer is yes." (Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" 8/2/05)

Wow. John McCain watches the Daily Show??? wasn't my point. Barack Obama totally poached John McCain's prom date!!! I'd be pissed. Reading the list of Obamaphobic Bidenisms on, I'm convinced that the McCain camp is either desperate for dirt or (as I've previously asserted) JOHN MCCAIN IS SENILE. Seriously, what a juvenile attack.

"Pssst...hey Becky...did you hear that Joe called Barack articulate? Yeah, and now they're going to the prom TOGETHER! I'd be sooo embarrassed. Besides, Joe Biden's prom dress is strapless. Does he honestly think he can pull off strapless? With his figure? O.M.G."

I think most pressing concern about an Obama/Biden ticket is that this is another obvious (to any redneck) clue that the Barack has terrorist ties. Definitely. I mean, we've already established that Obama is PRACTICALLY Osama. Now he's running with Biden? Well throw in an apostrophe and Bi'den is just a contraction of BIn laDEN. See?

Damn, I hope the country is smarter than that. But mark my words, some anti-Obama right-wingnut with too much time on his hands is going to photoshop a nice OBAMA BInlaDEN campaign button and soon everybody with half a brain (and no more) will be wearing them. The good news is that way we'll be able to recognize the morons from a distance.

Now, on to the REALLY important matter: State-sanctioned torture.

I think that if we're still in the business of torturing suspected terrorists, Pierce Brosnan's vocal tracks in the new Mama Mia film could very well be the most effective means of information extraction. I know if I was shut up in a dark room and forced to hear him sing, I'd spill the beans on ANYTHING.

Friday, August 22, 2008

John Mussolini Dahmer Hitler McCain

Recently I came across a facebook group:

Stop Barack Hussein Obama: (One Million Strong AGAINST Obama)

Seriously people, if John McCain's middle name was Mother Teresa or Gandhi or Jesus, that wouldn't make him any more viable as a presidential candidate. Why does Barack Obama's name make him less viable. Because he sounds Irish? Now to those who say "We're simply using his full name, stop being so sensitive, it's not an attack." PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! Do you honestly think you're fooling anybody except the idiots you're galvanizing against the "anti-American, muslim, unpatriotic, flag-hating Democratic presidential candidate"? The fact that the McCain camp is pandering to people who are swayed by the preceeding leads me to believe the only votes John McCain thinks he can win are those from the rednecks and the criminally insane. Seriously, did I miss the Bullshit Meter recall? Does anybody else smell a steaming pile? Anybody? Hello...o...o...o......

Ugh...why can't we have a political campaign about the ISSUES? You know: Obama wants to give you a break on your taxes if you're poor or middle-class, McCain wants to lower your taxes if you're a corporation*. That kind of thing. Not the hate-mongering via soundbite. That sells newspapers, but does it really help us select the candidate who's gonna be best for the country?

Why do we have to call Michelle Obama unpatriotic because of a phrase extracted from a heartfelt comment about her newfound pride over the amazing recent progress in this country**? In context, her message is powerful and moving. But the spin machine would have us believe she's a bitch who has hated America for two and a half decades. Unbelievably, Cindy McCain bought into it as well, repeatedly declaring that she's always been proud of her country. How can anyone with a conscience take another's statements out of context and use it to further their own agenda? And worse, how can America support a political regime that routinely does just that? If someone is going to distort the truth (i.e. 2004's Swiftboat ads and McCain's current "The World's Biggest Celebrity" ads) can we really trust their campaign promises?

I suppose politics isn't about issues. It's not about right and wrong. It's about selling a candidate to gain power. Period.

But Obama seems to be different. He not only talks about change, he acts accordingly. In a system where political contributions from special-interest groups make up so much of campaign funding, he's sold his campaign to the people, refusing to accept funds from the traditional (and corrupt) sources. In an election year when McCain supporters use out-of-context soundbites, and nonsensical references to Obama's middle name to play on the irrational fears of those who are fooled by this kind of crap, Obama chooses not to build an attack campaign on Cindy McCains battles with drug addiction***. Change? Obama doesn't just represent change, he IS change.

So yeah, if you're gonna buy into the same lies and distortions we've been seeing from the Republican party, go ahead and vote for John Mussolini Dahmer Hitler McCain****. Just don't be surprised when he becomes a fascist dictator who exterminates people then eats them.

*I'm not making those facts up...I just pulled them off the respective Obama and McCain websites...but go check for yourself.

**I just looked the clip up on Fox, and they actually edited a word out (link) which resulted in people repeatedly misquoting her based on their edit! If this is the kind of country we live in, I'm definitely not proud of it. But I AM proud of the hope Obama offers.

***Frankly, the fact that Cindy McCain felt it necessary to repeat how proud she's ALWAYS been of her country over and over makes me a lot more uncomfortable than the fact that she's a recovering drug addict. I think it's pretty amazing that she's got her addiction under control and pretty infantile that she would buy into (and perpetuate) the idea that Michelle Obama is unpatriotic because for the first time in her adult life she's actually proud of a country that would overcome years of hatred and prejudice to put her husband (and his hope for this nation) where he is today.

****That's his real name. I swear. He just has the middle names printed in really small letters.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

An Observation

I just got back from the 7-11 on a post-fieldtrip snack run. Once I got it in my head that I wanted a Snickers Dark candy bar (the best candy bar ever), nothing else would do. Sadly, this 7-11 doesn't carry Snickers Dark so I had to settle for a Milky Way Midnight.

As I told my best friend, Milky Way candy bars are a complete disappointment. Milky Way candy bars to a Snickers lover are like women to a gay man: they're alright, but they'd be a lot more fun to put in your mouth if they had nuts.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Gotta love censorship

Christian Site's Ban on 'G' Word Sends Homosexual to Olympics

The American Family Association obviously didn't foresee the problems that might arise with its strict policy to always replace the word "gay" with "homosexual" on the Web site of its Christian news outlet, OneNewsNow. The group's automated system for changing the forbidden word wound up publishing a story about a world-class sprinter named "Tyson Homosexual" who qualified this week for the Beijing Olympics.

Tyson Gay wins the men's 100 meters final at June the U.S. Olympic Track and Field Trials. (Reuters -- Mike Blake)

The problem: Tyson's real last name is Gay. Therefore, OneNewsNow's reliable software changed the Associated Press story about Tyson Gay's amazing Olympic qualifying trial to read this way:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

You might think it's a joke, until you read the original AP story, which begins this way:

Tyson Gay was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Gay qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Gay said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

Contacted by the Sleuth for comment on the software mishap, American Family Association spokeswoman Cindy Roberts in Tupelo, Miss., told us, "I think it was just a fluke."

Fred Jackson, news director of OneNewsNow, tells the Sleuth his organization has now fixed the software glitch. "We took the filter out for that word," he said, without uttering the "G" word.

"We don't object to the word 'gay,'" Jackson explained, except "when it refers to people who practice a homosexual lifestyle." And the "G" word, he says, has "been co-opted by a particular group of people." (People who are g-a-y.)

The OneNewsNow story about Gay, which was spotted by blogger Ed Brayton at, as well as by gay blogs, including PageOneQ, even included these nice details about Mr. Homosexual's qualifying sprint:

Wearing a royal blue uniform with red and white diagonal stripes across the front, along with matching shoes, all in a tribute to 1936 Olympic star Jesse Owens, Homosexual dominated the competition. He started well and pulled out to a comfortable lead by the 40-meter mark. This time, he kept pumping those legs all the way through the finish line, extending his lead. In Saturday's opening heat, Homosexual pulled way up, way too soon, and nearly was caught by the field, before accelerating again and lunging in for fourth place.

But as Brayton at scienceblogs discovered, OneNewsNow's filter didn't work perfectly; the "G" word did slip through, just once:

Gay's race came with the wind blowing at 4.1 meters per second; anything above 2.0 is not allowed for record purposes.

"I didn't really care what the wind was," Homosexual said.

The gay site, which has long chronicled the AFA's practice of changing AP copy to suit its conservative agenda, looks like it was first to spot the Gay gaffe.

The blog Agitator also found this gem of a story on the AFA's OneNewsNow site, from a June 27 story article about NBA player Rudy Gay:

Memphis Grizzlies backers hit the hay hoping that Kevin Love would open things up for Rudy Homosexual in the frontcourt.

Incidentally, Jackson, the OneNewsNow news manager, tells us his organization doesn't mind using the "L" word to refer to women who are homosexual. Asked how he would refer to Vice President Dick Cheney's gay daughter, Mary Cheney, Jackson said, "We would probably refer to her as a lesbian. Or homosexual."

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold'

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush delivered an encouraging motivational message to Beijing-bound Olympians Monday, urging them to "compete swifter, higher, and stronger in their pursuit of gold" so that they may achieve not just the glory of victory but the hard cash value of the much-needed commodity. "Truly, victory and pride are beyond price, but gold is currently going for $916.78 a troy ounce," Bush said in the Rose Garden speech, delivered just hours after he was unable to secure an agreement with the Chinese ambassador to forge the Olympic medals out of debt-relief certificates. "In striving, you uplift the hearts of all Americans, but in victory alone will you actually get something that can help us out of the current economic slump. I mean, silver is barely over 17 bucks. Might as well drop out at that rate." Bush later held a closed-door Oval Office meeting with swimmer Michael Phelps, whose possible eight gold medals could potentially help the Olympic team break even on travel costs.

From The Onion.