Sigh...what a goof.

Poster-Children for Planned Parenthood

I just sold candy to about 4,000 indecisive lunatic gradeschoolers. During regular performances, the theatre's concessions counter has a staff paid specifically to sell concessions. During student matinees, the theatre staff takes the job. Granted we're all still on the clock, but the candy bar we're given as incentive hardly compensates for the post-traumatic stress disorder therapy I'm gonna need. The moment intermission begins, the lobby floods with screaming children who push their way to the counter, demand your attention then start asking inane questions:

Rude Snot-Nosed Brat: "Do you have Reese's?"
Brandon: "Sorry, no. Everything we sell is in this display case."
RSNB: "What about Peanut Butter cups?"
Brandon: "Those are also Reese's. Would you like to pick something from the display case?"
RSNB: "Do you sell Reese's Pieces?"
Brandon: "You've got to be kidding me! Do you see anything you've asked for so far in the display case you're leaning on?"
RSNB: "No."
Brandon: "Good. We have what you see. What would you like."
RSNB: "Um...um...um...Do you have Snicker's with Almonds?"
Brandon: "DO YOU SEE ANY FRIGGIN' SNICKERS WITH ALMONDS?"
RSNB: "Um...no?"
Brandon: "Then what do you think? I'm done with you. Go to the back of the line of 3,999 kids that you pushed in front of and think about what you've seen in the case. If you picked something that we sell by the time you get back up here, I'll think about helping you then. Now go! Alright, who's next? You, miss...what can I get you?"
Oblivious Pre-jailbait Trailer Trash: "Do you have Reese's?"

Seriously, I think I've just cured any desire I have to ever be a parent. Maybe in-school sex education should consist of manning a concessions stand during intermission at a student matinee. "You see these crazy people? Have sex and you'll make another one of them!" Suddenly saving ones self for marriage won't be enough. "No thanks, I'm saving myself for menopause."

13 the musical

If this had been out in 1987, I'm sure it would've been my favorite musical ever.

Beware Brother Willy's Spores...

I know I'm gonna run out and buy a rubber suit and gas mask...

From City Weekly:

Deep End | Affirmed and Denied: LDS leaders track sexual orientation to busy gay spores

By D.P. Sorensen
Posted 08/21/2008

The Mormon church moved swiftly to quell suspicions that anti-gay bias was behind its cancellation of a scheduled meeting with Affirmation, a group of Mormon gay activists. Church spokesman Elder Scott Trotter (not to be confused with Scott Rotter, the legendary gay porn star), in a hastily called news conference in the lobby of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, assured reporters that church authorities have nothing against gay people personally, nor were they afraid that meeting with Affirmation would undermine their efforts to stop gay marriages in California.

“Gay people are good people, as long as they don’t do gay things,” said Elder Trotter. “We are not, in principle, opposed to meeting with gay people, and at some point in the future, when sufficient safeguards have been established—such as Plexiglas dividers, latex gloves and surgical masks—we will be happy to address their concerns with love in our hearts and protective gear on our bodies.”

Elder Trotter then distributed copies of a monograph written by a team of BYU professors recently published in the Journal of Innovative Etiology. Titled “Spores and Sexual Orientation,” the extensively footnoted scholarly article lays out recent research on the genesis of same-gender attraction.

“I ask you all to read the article with an open mind and an open heart. But whatever you do, don’t read the article within several kilometers of any known gay person, or even someone you suspect of having homoite tendencies. For as you will see, the evidence is overwhelming that homonian attraction is caused by a haploid spore with high motility. How these spores get airborne is not exactly known at this time, but we do know that they are exceedingly contagious.

“Our scientists speculate that spores, which we have now identified as ballistospores, not zygospores as previously hypothesized, are discharged from what we technically call the fruiting body, and somehow travel to bodily apertures of unsuspecting normal folks who innocently happen to be in the vicinity.

“These ballistospores could be expelled from the fruiting body by sneezes, coughs, singing, burps or flatulations. We think spores coming to rest on external surfaces, though still motile, are not as contagious as those spores that have become aerosolized by bodily functions of an expulsive character.

“Based on our research, we prefer at this time not to have any physical contact with any gay-type persons, as even your basic handshake, or even your grip patriarchal, might prove deleterious to persons exposed to gay spores. We are open to some form of teleconferencing, but we want to rule out completely the possibility that the gay spore might be digitized, inadvertently or otherwise, and thus present a danger to innocent teleconferencers.”

Elder Trotter was interrupted at this point by a reporter whose rudeness marked him as someone not conversant with our genteel culture. He asked about the efficacy of Mormon undergarments—which have been proven to repel stinging insects, bullets, knives, arrows and Tasers—in repelling aerosolized ballistospores. Elder Trotter replied that the Lord didn’t know about ballistospores back when he invented sacred undergarments. The persistent reporter then posed a question about the omniscience of the Lord, at which point Elder Trotter replied that the Lord moves in mysterious ways, etc, etc., and then brought the news conference to a conclusion.

In a related development, Deseret Book has just announced the fall publication of Turnaround, (not to be confused with Mitt Romney’s book of the same title), a meticulous account of examples of successful reparative therapy in Mormon history. Written by Parmel J. Pratt, an archivist in the church history department, who is better known as a gifted scrapbooker, Turnaround is an inspiring tale of gay Mormons who stopped doing gay things.

There are numerous stories of gay Mormons who straightened themselves out, but the tale that will surely delight Mormons, homo and hetero alike, is the saga of LeGrand P. Willy, who cut a wide swath through the unmarried male population of Zion in the 1850s. “Because of polygamy, there are all these dreamy bachelors around town,” Brother Willy once told a friend. “It’s like a perpetual picnic!”

Succumbing to the powerful spell of Brigham Young, the flamboyant Willy went on to become the Lion of the Lord’s personal barber and masseuse. In an interesting historical sidelight, Mr. Willy is credited with originating the “Mormon shoulder massage,” the now universal greeting between members of the Melchizedek priesthood. It is unknown whether or not Mr. Willy’s spores are still floating around town.

D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.

Palin on the issues:

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

I'd vote for her.

Speaking of inappropriate...

So last night, against my better judgment, I went to Taco Bell with my cousin Paul. He ordered and went to dispense his drink, and I stepped up to the counter, glanced down at the LED screen on the cash register, and nearly lost it. Where it normally says something like:

“Would you like to
Try a spam Chalupa
With your order
Only $2.99”

someone had reprogrammed the 4-line LED display to read:

“Would you like to
Suck my balls
With your order
Only $2.99.”

I’m afraid the poor Latina running the register thought I was laughing at her, so I tried to direct my laughter at Paul, who came over to see what was wrong and practically wet his pants.

I don't know who was responsible, but I hope they get a raise.

I watched the Republican National Convention

...mostly out of duty, but also because I feel it's important to hear both sides. Wednesday made me sick. The discussion was short on substance and overflowing with ridicule aimed at the Democrats. I'm embarrassed for the speakers Wednesday night. It is a weak person, bereft of strength in his or her convictions, that runs a campaign solely on attacking the opposition. On the other hand, Mr. McCain gave a very powerful speech last night. I wish he would step up and be the leader he claims to be. Stand up to your stooges, Senator, and demand that they play nice. A campaign platform of bitterness and infantile name-calling is reprehensible. Play nice, kids!

Here's an editorial that Sheri found in the NY Times:

By the time John McCain took the stage on Thursday night, we wondered if there would be any sign of the senator we long respected — the conservative who fought fair and sometimes bucked party orthodoxy.

Certainly, the convention that nominated him bore no resemblance to that John McCain. Rather than remaking George W. Bush’s Republican Party in his own image, Mr. McCain allowed the practitioners of the politics of fear and division to run the show.

Thursday night, Americans mainly saw the old John McCain. He spoke in a moving way about the horrors he endured in Vietnam. He talked with quiet civility about fighting corruption. He said the Republicans “had lost the trust” of the American people and promised to regain it. He decried “the constant partisan rancor that stops us from solving” problems.

But there were also chilling glimpses of the new John McCain, who questioned the patriotism of his opponents as the “me first, country second” crowd and threw out a list of false claims about Barack Obama’s record, saying, for example, that Mr. Obama opposed nuclear power. There was no mention of immigration reform or global warming, Mr. McCain’s signature issues before he decided to veer right to win the nomination.

In the end, we couldn’t explain the huge difference between the John McCain of Thursday night and the one who ran such an angry and derisive campaign and convention — other than to conclude that he has decided he can have it both ways. He can talk loftily of bipartisanship and allow his team to savage his opponent.

What makes that so vexing — and so cynical — is that this is precisely how Mr. Bush destroyed Mr. McCain’s candidacy in the 2000 primaries, with the help of the Karl Rovian team that now runs Mr. McCain’s campaign.

There could not have been a starker contrast between Mr. McCain’s night on the stage and the earlier days of the convention, a carnival of partisan rancor. It was not a forum for explaining policies or defining ideals, certainly none ever associated with Mr. McCain.

On Wednesday, the nastiest night of the week, Mr. McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, and other speakers offered punch lines, rather than solutions for this country’s many problems — ridiculing the Washington elite (of which most were solid members) and Barack Obama.

“Al Qaeda terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America, and he’s worried that someone won’t read them their rights,” Ms. Palin said.

Mr. Obama, in reality, wants to give basic human rights to prisoners in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, only a handful of whom are Qaeda members, and shield them from torture. So, once upon a time, did Mr. McCain, but there was no mention of that in St. Paul, or of the bill he wrote protecting those prisoners.

Mike Huckabee dismissed Mr. Obama, the first black candidate of any major party, as a mere “symbolic” choice for president.

At the same time, the Republicans tried to co-opt Mr. Obama’s talk of change and paint themselves as the real Americans. It is an ill-fitting suit for the least diverse, most conservative and richest Republican delegates since The Times started tracking such data in 1996.

It was, in short, a gathering devoted almost entirely to the culture war refined by Mr. Rove in Mr. Bush’s two campaigns.

On Thursday, Mr. McCain said he would reach out to “any willing patriot, make this government start working for you again.” Mr. Bush, too, promised the same bipartisanship in his campaigns, and then governed in the most divisive, partisan way.

Americans have a right to ask which John McCain would be president. We hope Mr. McCain starts to answer that by halting the attacks on Mr. Obama’s patriotism and beginning a serious, civil debate.

An Intervention

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die