Three Reasonable Guesses

No, this isn't where I post three reasonable guesses why someone is ignoring me. I'm gonna attempt to discuss the "If you really cared, you would know why I'm mad at you" mentality. Before I begin I need to say that this post is not intended to belittle anyone's pain. Pain exists. And despite our best efforts, every one of us causes pain. Both in ourselves and in others. The important thing is to avoid causing pain if possible and, when we inevitably do hurt someone or get hurt ourselves, to find the best way to heal.

Yesterday I was asked to make three reasonable guesses what I did to make a close friend ignore my calls. I responded with "Is it because I didn't tell you about the third nipple?" This elicited a laugh, but did nothing to start an open discussion about whatever is bothering my friend.

I hate it when I hurt people. Anybody who knows me knows that I would never intentionally hurt anyone...which it all the more unbearable when someone holds onto unintentional hurt I've caused. My feeling is that when I've hurt someone, regardless of whether it was intentional, it's my responsibility to do what I can to make it better. On the other hand when I'm hurting, if I truly want to resolve the hurt, it's my responsibility to be open and face the cause of the pain. If two people can't discuss the hurt between them openly, they have little hope of resolving it.

I guess the point is, I'm a little frustrated that instead of acknowledging a specific thing I've done that caused pain and dealing with it, this friend expects me to "search my soul" for every possible slight and list the top three. This exercise isn't designed to address and fix the individual's pain, it seems designed simply to humiliates me. Rather than resolving a problem, we're just causing more pain and spreading it around.

When you go to a doctor, he or she always asks you what's wrong. "Tell me where it hurts." If we respond with "If you were any kind of a doctor, you'd know already" or "I won't tell you until you've made three reasonable guesses" most ailments would never be adequately addressed. Of course, this analogy comes up short because doctors usually aren't the ones who caused the ailment. Still, if we expect to have any productive discourse about the problem, it is the patient's responsibility to be forthright. And in the case of two people who care about each other, expecting the other person to make a list of all the ways they could have possibly hurt you is nothing short of vindictive. The ONLY outcome of such a list is more hurt.

Emotional pain is deeply personal. It's also inevitable. Bouncing around this crowded little planet, it's impossible to avoid stepping on each other's toes. What makes coexistence possible is that we try not to do it intentionally, and when we inevitably do hurt each other, we should do everything possible to resolve it. As far as I can tell, the path to healing is as personal as the pain. If we're lucky, we have good friends (surprisingly often the ones who hurt us in the first place) who love us and want to help us heal. But the choice to begin the healing process (and the choice to allow those who caused the hurt to participate in the healing) belongs solely to the person who is hurting.

Sadly, to protect ourselves from additional hurt, it's easier to shut people out. And seeing those who have hurt us pay for their crime is supremely gratifying. But in every-day interactions between people who have an interest in each other's well-being, both courses are ultimately counterproductive. Neither addresses the hurt, and both exclude the "guilty" party from participation in the healing.

So, I hope it makes sense that I choose not to make three reasonable guesses. In my mind there is no such thing. When I choose to respond with a smartass remark instead a "reasonable guess", it's because that is the only response that makes sense to me. So if you want more smartass remarks, I've got a whole bag of 'em. But if you want to work through the pain...tell me where it hurts.