Die Vampire, Die!

In honor of the opening of [title of show] on Broadway, I've been listening to the off-broadway recording of the show the last couple of days. I must say, this song always gets me.

DIE VAMPIRE, DIE!
from [title of show] - a new broadway musical
music & lyrics: Jeff Bowen
book: Hunter Bell
(additional material by Susan Blackwell)

Susan:
There are some people in the world who say that writing stories, or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them. Nothing interferes with their ability to create. While I celebrate their creative freedom, a little part of me wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth. This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y’all

Jeff, Hunter, and Heidi:
We’ll sing backup

Susan:
You have a story to tell,
a novel you keep in a drawer.

Backup:
Old sock drawer!

Susan:
You have a painting to paint,
but you lazy like an old French whore.

Backup:
Je suis whore

Susan:
You have a movie to make,
Shrinky Dinks you can bake
but you best grab a stake,
cause, in sweep the vampires,
in creep the vampires,
knee deep in vampires,
Filling you with doubt. Insecurity,
‘bout what you art should be
in sweep the vampires

All:
Die vampire!

Susan:
You sketched that turtle you saw
in an ad on late-night cable TV.

Backup:
Tippy Turtle!

Susan:
But your fourth grade teacher said

Heidi:
You can’t draw

Susan:
Aww, those vampires just won’t let you be

Boys:
Fuck you Ms. Johnson! Word.

Susan:
And when they come run like hell,
see those bats in your belfry,
then call on Van Helsing.
In swoosh

Backup:
Ooh, the vampires

Susan:
in a whoosh

Backup:
ooh, the vampires,

Susan:
Babaganoosh

Backup:
ooh, all the vampires

Susan:
Filling you with thoughts of

Backup:
Self consciousness

Susan:
Feelings of

Backup:
Worthlessness

Susan:
They’ll make you

Backup:
Second guess

Susan:
Die vam-

All:
-pire!
There are so many vampires,
inside, outside, and nationwide,
it helps to recognize them
with this vampire hunting guide!

Susan:
Listen closely, a vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression, but they can assume many seductive forms. Here’s a few of them!

Backup:
Tell us Susan!

Susan:
First up are you pygmy vampires. They’ll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:

Hunter:
Your teeth need whitening

Heidi:
You went to state school?

Jeff:
You sound weird

All:
Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris

Susan:
Did it before you and better than you. Or they might say that you cannot sing good enough to be in a musical. Or they might say:

Backup:
Ooh, your song’s derivative!
Ooh, your song’s derivative!
Ooh, your song’s derivative!

Susan:
To keep that song from you! Just tell them:

Backup:
Die vampire, die!

Susan:
Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire. She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny. She smells something unpleasant in what you’re creating, she’ll urge you to:

Backup:
(Spraying sound)

Susan:
It with some pine fresh smell-'em-ups. The air freshener vampire doesn’t want you to write about

Jeff:
bad language,

Hunter:
blood,

Heidi:
or blow jobs

Susan:
She wants you to clean it up and clean it out. Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless. But you’ll be left with two tight paragraphs on kittens that your grandma would be so proud of. You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin’ face and you say

All:
Morte vampir, morte!

Susan:
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair. It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

Jeff:
Who do you think you’re kidding?

Heidi:
You look like a fool.

Hunter:
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough.

Susan:
Why is it if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, it’s the voice of reason?

Hunter:
You have a story to tell,
pull your novel out of that sock drawer!

Heidi:
You have a painting to paint,
you best paint it and then paint some more!

Susan:
Oh baby, you must escape
and grab it by the nape
of its neck,
by the trachea!
Fuckin’ break it,
go on drive a stake in.
Yeah there’s no mistaking,
now you’re shake and bakin’!

All:
Die, vampire!
I said, “Die, vampire!”
I said, “Now die vampire, die!”

All:
In fly the vampires,
oh my the vampires,
then die the vampires,
filling you with life, creativity,
all that you heart should be,
out go the vampires.
Die vampire!
Die vampire!
Die vampire, die!