A Guide To Understanding Communication Between Brandon And Lisa

It has come to my attention that some people think my relationship with my BFF is somewhat dysfunctional. They cite our constant e-bickering as evidence of their theory. In this post I will recount a conversation with Lisa and translate it for those who don't understand our mode of discourse.

The Subject: Legally Blonde (the musical)
Background: Brandon and Lisa saw the movie version of Legally Blonde together when it was first released (I know it's hard to believe, but Lisa really is THAT old) and were surprised at how much it entertained them. A couple years ago, the movie was adapted into a big splashy Broadway musical. Brandon thoroughly enjoys it...something of a guilty pleasure. Lisa doesn't share his opinion of the musical.

Brandon: I just finished a Legally Blonde double feature! First the musical, then the sequal. Does it get any better than this?
Lisa: Yes. Oral surgery without anesthesia. I can't believe you liked the musical. You're such a douche.
Brandon: Well you're a soulless bitch with no taste. You wouldn't know good art if it was heroin and your drug mule buddies post-keistered it on your face.
Lisa: I have no idea what you just said. Is it possible that crap musicals have rotted your brain?
Brandon: Well, I never!
Lisa: So I've heard. Might I recommend a good urologist?
Brandon: You vindictive little bitch!
Lisa: Watching Legally Blonde the so-called musical is about as much fun as eating glass.
Brandon: You're just jealous. Laura Bell Bundy could kick Reese Witherspoon's ass.
Lisa: Oh no you di'int! Listen here wuckfit, you take it back or I'll poison your autographed Sweeney Todd playbill.
Brandon: Oh yeah?
Lisa: Yeah!
Brandon: Bring it!
Lisa: Consider it brought!
(Slapping match ensues, leaving both participants angry, but unscathed.)
Lisa: You hit like a girl.
Brandon: I didn't want to get too close. I was afraid "stupid" was contageous.
Lisa: And you didn't want to infect me. How thoughtful.
Brandon: I hate you so much right now.
Lisa: Assface.
Brandon: Whore.
(They storm off in different directions.)

Translation:

Brandon: I just finished a Legally Blonde double feature! First the musical, then the sequal. Does it get any better than this?
Lisa: I didn't much care for the musical. It was irritating to me, but I can understand how a musical theatre enthusiast could enjoy it.
Brandon: You just said "theatre." With an "r-e." I'm so proud of you. I knew you were the classiest person on the planet.
Lisa: I get it from my association with you. Would you mind writing a song about how cool we are?
Brandon: Well, I never...
Lisa: I know, but it would be a fitting tribute. Might I recommend a good urologist?
Brandon: You certainly bring out the best in me.
Lisa: It's funny how we can enjoy different things and still be friends.
Brandon: That's so true. I wonder whether Laura Bell Bundy or Reese Witherspoon's would win in a cage match.
Lisa: Now that would be entertaining! Oh, hey...you know how much you like Sweeney Todd? I found Angela Landsbury's sweat rag from the national tour on e-bay. Happy Ides of March Eve Eve Eve.
Brandon: Oh yeah?
Lisa: Yeah!
Brandon: You're the best friend ever!
Lisa: I like cheese!
(Lisa whips out sweat rag and snaps it playfully at Brandon, who is easily knocked over. He tumbles over, taking Lisa with him. They emerge from this awkwardly hetero-erotic scene laughing and completely oblivious.)
Lisa: You hit like a girl.
Brandon: I learned to fight from West Side Story.
Lisa: Obviously it's paid off. I feel safe when I'm with you.
Brandon: Really? *ahem* I mean...I'm just so glad you're my friend.
Lisa: Assface.
Brandon: Whore.
(They hug and wander off to find some handicapped people to make fun of.)

I hope this clears things up for everyone.